The day xe passed on was the first day of spring,
the world opening up from the cold winter,
embracing the sun like hir long lost love
breathing a huge sigh of relief as a band-aid was torn.
Xe hoped to reveal a healed wound, clean after pain and festering.
A wound not reopened but created,
tears and salt filling it to make it sting
further screaming hallelujah to try and bring hir back from the dead
clinging onto every little thing that has nothing to do with hir
Xe sent strangers to us,
asking us how we are doing,
buying us a chai tea with four extra shots through a black car and a sleeve of tattoos
justifying our mental health days that turned into weeks,
weeks of spending cash until the anxiety cripples my ability to eat
and until my cravings turn hollow and-
Hir last request was to be a rockstar,
powering on stage, basking in their sex appeal as they fuck porn stars
even though xe can’t play a single instrument
but hir art and words that I didn’t know xe had,
passion pumping out from every pore, every muscle, ever smile
until it all stopped and there was nothing but wishful thinking and denial.
“It’ll be a day of celebration.
A day of happiness and fond memories,”
they tell me as I cry harder and harder.
But it won’t be.
Because xe will never be able to be happy again
because xe can’t
because xe is gone
and every time i glance at that photograph
I remember seeing xe post on hir blog saying they were feeling good about themselves
and it was a good day.
And we cling to good days
like children to a comfort blanket.
The soft fleece is substance abuse,
the smooth satin self-harm.
I count the things that xe will never see,
though sometimes I hope
if they have tumblr with a good wi-fi connection up in heaven,
that xe can see
how cute BMO was in that episode,
didn’t get too pissed when we watched Avengers on the way to the service,
and I hope xe saw Jaye’s James Deen porn spam
and Stoya in that wig with Amanda next to her
as we all lie on the bathroom floor as
the thing about things plays so softly through our laptop speakers,
only loud enough to understand the parts that make us cry
as you’ve left us with no choice but to experience for you
everything that is new
and every day it breaks my heart as Jaye snuggles
that sixteen dollar bear we bought at SaveMart the day after
and both mutually named it after you in an awkward way,
not daring to say it out loud, fingerspelling it between each other
because the tears still hurt and breaking down in a parking lot
would probably upset the smoker out back.
Our sobs wracked us like ocean waves,
until it stopped and stopped and stopped but it never did.
the happiness sucked out of everything until it is all black
and sometimes I forget the world is bottomless
and some days it is easy.
then I remember. and I’m drowning in public as xe swims behind my eyelids,
the people with the life rafts miles away,
barely keeping above the surface and
scared we’ll never relate to each other besides our grief
and worried are grief will end and we will have nothing
and no one to remember xe with